wanted:one shining moment

I figured out what is missing in my life, or at the very least what I am wanting. In re-watching 'Journey's End' from the 4th season of Doctor Who, The Doctor says, "And for one moment, one shining moment, she was the most important woman in the whole wide universe."
That's what I want(no- what I need)-to be someone's most important person. My kids have grown away from that-after being ripped away from me by the state, my husband says that I am it for him-but his actions speak louder than his words ever will.
I know that I may never find that-the passion and love from one person that loves me above all others-and that I love back...but I think I have to try.
I know that my kids love me, and my parents too, and in his own self-centered way my husband loves me or at least the idea of me...but no one thinks of me first(even me.)
My mom said it best last week-"If you don't take care of you-who will?"
She was referring to the dental surgery I had 2 weeks ago-but it rings true through the rest of my life as well, who will help me? My husband is off raising a toddler that isn't his-but who needs a parent who knows(sort-of) what they're doing. My "friends" have made it perfectly clear who they value more-my husband. Lying to my face for years-and acting like they supported me-while I hear the truth from other sources-and see it with my own eyes when they think I can't see.
I tolerate them as sometimes I just need to be outside of my apartment-and not at work, but I have reconnected with friends from high school-people who remember me when I was me-not the pale shadow of me I have become. True friends-who have considered driving over 4 hours-just to give me a hug when I really needed one...friends that I only lost touch with after believing something said about them-that was so out of character-so outrageous, that I believed it because of the source-my now estranged husband.
I was so blinded by my love for him-for the one who chose me over his ex-wife...that I took him at his word-about everything-even after he lied to me and his own mother about having a terminal illness-the same one that killed his father. That's right he lied and said he was dying...and we believed him. This past year he came out of left field and said he had a heart attack-and honestly-I'm not sure I believe him. I have yet to see any documentation from a doctor-or even the ER, so I am very guarded about believing him.  What does that say about our marriage-if I doubt every word that comes out of his mouth. I think it speaks volumes....and most of them are lies, and I don't think I deserve that-I don't think anyone deserves that...and sadly the only reason I believe that I don't deserve that-is because no one deserves it...not because it's me.
I have been different all my life-what I consider normal is bonkers to the rest of the world, and people have told me I'm special, that I matter, and that I could do great things. I puff up like a blow-fish and play the part in public or at work-but at home when it's just me-I do not see it. Sure-I can be clever, and the praise when I am is great-but nothing I can do now is enough to get what I want-what I did deserve-my kids back. What kind of mom I could have been-how my kids would have turned out differently-we will never know. That future has been stolen from me along with a large chunk of my heart and soul. I may never get back to who I was or who I could have been-but I have to try. This spiral downward can only have one ending-and I don't want to die alone in my apartment curled up in bed wasting away. Depression is a bitch-but I don't have to let her win, and I certainly don't have to make it easy on her. I will not go quietly into that goodnight-I will not give up without a fight-I'm going to live on-I'm going to survive....I guess today is my independence day...(knew there was a reason I love that quote...)

Next payday, I am having a bracelet made for me-one that quotes e.e. cummings- 'I carry your heart with me-I carry it in my heart'  it will say:

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

 higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

 I love those lines-they are the end of the poem and I have always loved them best...I want someone to tell me that I am the wonder that's keeping the stars apart...that they love me so much I go where ever they go because I am in their heart...forever.

So long now-I have settled-I have given in because it's easy. But look at where that's gotten me-alone blogging in my room-that I only left today to go to the bathroom and to get food from the kitchen. Yes I did converse with other people today on my new smart phone...but I didn't get dressed, so today doesn't count as a productive day. And now I have to go -because that smart phone is ringing...and look who it is...yippee.