Journey's End

I just watched the Doctor Who episode 'Journey's End', when Donna ends up losing all her memories of the Doctor-because otherwise she will die. I can greatly relate to that-as two days ago, I asked my husband for a divorce.  The past 2 years, he has been a live in nanny for a boy he is raising as his own.  He didn't father the child-but he is the only father he has ever known.  While I support what and why he is doing it, I cannot live in a holding pattern for the rest of my life.  I have been living alone. I spend my nights alone, I sleep alone, I eat alone.  I pay all the bills except the phone-alone.  I am married only in the legal sense of the word-no longer in the emotional sense, or the physical sense.  I deserve to love and be loved in return-not just when it's convenient or our schedules mesh. I think that everyone deserves that chance-and if I don't speak up and voice what I need-then I don't deserve it.  For the last 6 months or so, I've been in a deeper depression than I have since my teens.  I felt the same loneliness, and hollowness then-which led to a multitude of bad relationships-often abusive ones. I won't let that happen again.  I have more backbone now then I could have dreamt of then... Also, I am not the naive little girl I used to be, I know what love can be, and I know how sex can change you.  My goals now are to get myself squared away-get my sense of self back-and to move forward.  I see what being alone has done to members of my family-and I will not allow myself to get that bad.  I am going to use my income tax return to join a 24 hr gym-so I have no excuses not to exercise- "I couldn't get to the gym before they closed..." oops-the never close. nice try. I don't think I look attractive-so why would anyone else? If I don't care enough about myself to do what I need to do in order to stay healthy-why should anyone care about me? 
I picked up the paperwork to get the legal ball rolling on my divorce. and I took off the ring. that was a big step-taking off the ring. I have worn it for over 7 years...and it feels weird not having it on. The other few times I thought I was done with my marriage-telling him was the worst thing-he promised to change, and to do what ever I needed-it created more drama and strife.  But this time, he simply told me that if that's what I needed-he wouldn't be happy about it-but he wouldn't fight it.  All I felt was relief.  No sadness, no shame, no guilt-just relief that it was done.  Because he didn't fight me at all-makes me think he knew it was coming-and that he doesn't blame me for feeling how i do. 
Right now I'm listening to Coldplay-"Paradise". This is the song that helped me realize just how far I had fallen-from the girl who was going to go to Harvard and graduate as a member of the class of 2000-fast forward to 1998-and me being academically expelled from a state university in the mid-west. Falling into a noticeable depression for the first time-even though i don't remember being happy growing up. I remember liking things-and having fun sometimes-but all encompassing happiness-no. The school always called me a serious child-but I think I was depressed. I felt isolated and alone-as an only child and as a 'gifted' child too. Every year my teachers would say I wasn't working up to my potential-nothing I ever did was good enough-I could have done better. This doesn't help motivate every child-I rebelled against it and took procrastination to a whole new level.
I have reconnected to some of my friends from high school-some have had similar life paths-one who was a year behind me in the gifted program, and like me on the fast track to a college degree-is finishing up her bachelor's degree this spring-exactly one year after I finally got mine-at the age of 34. They remember who I was-and can still see that me-buried deep in my eyes. That gives me hope-hope that someday I might recognize myself in the mirror-and possibly like what/who I see. All I can do now is forge ahead and slowly pick up the pieces-and see if they even fit anymore. Each Journey's End is also a beginning-the beginning of something entirely new...Wish me luck!