Am I the April Fool?

So-the fiction/reality thing is better-ish. I see what life is, and what I dream it could be. The Tv shows I watch, show me what could be possible-a close knit group of people who work together- a love that surpasses your wildest dreams-saving the world, repeatedly.  My job seems so unimportant-"makin' copies" and the 'friends' I have in my life now-aren't what they seem. As I've said before-my marriage is complicated-and mostly theoretical, and I'm alone most of the time. At work I wear a mask-the happy mask of someone who is enjoying life-and at home-the mask comes off-especially since no one is there to see it anyway-the person most aware of a mask-is the one wearing it.  I have moments of joy-that fade so quickly that the darkness that takes their place is so black and deep that the light is unimaginable-cannot possibly exist. Hope is a concept-and it doesn't live here. I find myself thinking the worst will happen-and sarcastically mentioning the ideal-as something that isn't even possible. This doesn't make me feel any better-but simply greases the spiral slide down. I guess I'll have to see what tomorrow brings-and whether or not my cynicism is well founded. Gee that was cheery-wasn't it.

Life as it is now...

As of late, I haven’t liked myself much.  I have realized that I have several problems that have been brewing for quite a while(nearly a decade now), and that I have no real idea how to realistically go about changing.  I know I need to change by behavior-but by now it’s not only habit it’s normal… And what’s worse, is that over time- I have become self-aware enough to realize that I have little to no will power when it comes to personal goals. I set them-sure, but then what? Sometimes I promise myself something-an activity I need to do before work, for instance, but when the alarm goes off, I lie in bed until it goes off a few more times, then reset it and snuggle down until the last possible second to get dressed for work and leave(usually 30 min before I have to clock in.) The last blog I wrote is another example…I promised to return after work and make a real entry-and yet here I am 9 days later finally posting something…

I have become someone I don’t recognize. Someone who cannot continue to live like this-but is nearly useless in knowing how to change things. They say that you won’t really change until you hit rock bottom and admit you have a problem. Well right now feels pretty low-but since I still have to figure out how to enact lasting change-I guess I’m not there…yet. I guess I should be happy that I still have a job-and that I still get out of bed to go to it every day that I’m supposed to. I do my job, and do it well (according to my last performance review [last month]) and help out whenever I can.

But after work, I go home and do as close to nothing as I can, I still work on my crafting activities-but that’s because even I realize that without them-I would do nothing at all. I read and watch tv/movies and escape into other worlds-worlds that are slowly making more sense than my own life.

 It’s scaring me how much these worlds are blending together in my own mind, how much something on a sci-fi tv show seems to explain parts of my life-and then I have an internal argument with myself and say that it can’t be true-because that’s fiction on the screen-but then my logical mind comes up with Occam’s Razor-and the simplest explanation is the right one-no matter how improbable it is….and then my intuition is caused by a great adventure with an alien and if I remember it fully-I will die. And then I tell myself that it can’t be true-because it’s only a tv show.

And then the completely paranoid part of me goes---“That’s what they want you to believe.” And I’m back to being scared-scared of my own thoughts.Think about that for a minute. How helpless and terrifying it is to be scared of the things you are thinking-the most basic thing that makes you-well you.

And if that isn’t rock bottom-then what is? Being scared of your own mind-and what it produces. My past experiences with mood altering drugs are a Pandora’s box all its own-the mine field of bad side effects is a cautionary tale-and sadly a winning point for Scientology. (Which even in my scary fiction blurred mind is a load of crap-IMHO)

 [so maybe I’m not that bad-right? Tom Cruise is still waaaayy more crazy than I am]

What doesn’t help-is the memories I have of my father doing the same thing when I was growing up-not the blurring of fiction thoughts(since I can’t read minds)-but the get up-go to work, come home read and watch tv-go to bed and repeat. I don’t know if this is normal-or a byproduct of our horrible year-round allergies-the complete exhaustion that comes from the fight to simply breathe and stay alive.  

I have no idea how to end this post without scaring anyone-other than to say this-none of my scary thoughts involve hurting myself or others. 

And there is a glimmer of hope-today I got up 3 hours before work-so I could write this post- keeping a promise to myself that today I would do something productive before work. So today is a good day(so far-optimism can only get you so far-realism is far bleaker-but at least it is rooted in reality-not fiction). 

Update: 3/22/12

I'm on my way to work right now(ok so I'm really on my way to getting off the computer to go to work as soon as I finish this small post) and I will be posting a real post after I get home from work. I still don't know if anyone reads this-but I figure that maybe someone will someday-and then if I'm interesting enough, they will want to start at the beginning and read all the way through-so I am promising to post after work today-here and now in writing. on the interwebs where everyone can see if I did it or not...because as I tweeted earlier today(in three parts) "Deciding you need to change your life is hard; Deciding how to change your life is difficult: and enacting lasting change in your life can feel impossible-especially if you never even try."
I know-deep stuff... and then I realized I had less than 20 tweets to go to reach 1000! so I will be blogging after work...and then probably tweeting about blogging...and yes I realize I just blogged about tweeting...so it's the circle that never ends... but I'll pin something on pinterest too to round out my online trifecta tonight. AFTER work...which I really need to get going to make it on time....grrr. TTFN

Hello Interwebs! 03/08/2012

Hello, and welcome to the first post of
"The World According to Neé"
Allow me to introduce-well me.  I  am a mom/wife who also works full-time in retail, crafter (when I have time), baker (when I[or someone I know]has a need), reader (when I'm not doing anything else)-and blogger after that. Beware-I can(and will) be blunt when I feel the need.
As I write this, I am eating my dinner-after working a full shift, I came home to warm up leftovers from my birthday dinner at Olive Garden.  That's right, I recently had a birthday. Don't get all worked up-it wasn't a milestone birthday or anything-just the 34th one.
I've been out of sorts since the actual day however, so life has been a bit of a roller coaster ride.
Up front, let me tell you, while I am a mom, my kids don't live with me. Someday, I may go into the whys and the whatnots, but for now let me just say it's way too complicated to get into in the first post. (And since I'm so into sharing right now)I am married,but my husband isn't around much these days. So while I am a mom/wife, at home I am simply the one taking care of 'The boys' my two cats. ['the boys' are Rambo and Joey-more about them later]
I have suffered from depression in the past, and to be perfectly honest-probably am right now.
I don't take medication for it, and yes I've tried them all. The myriad of side effects made my quality of life worse than the depression ever did. So I deal with it.
I work 40+ hrs a week, pay my bills, and keep the house from burning down. I am functioning-so I just go with it. My way doesn't work all the time, but I have learned to ask for help when I need it...mostly.
I don't recommend my way to anyone-it just works(for the most part) for me. I do have two meds I use fairly regularly-one for panic attacks and the other for insomnia. Working with the public sometimes triggers an attack-but since crying in the corner of an office supply store is not approved behavior-I have the pills. And for the nights(like tonight) when I can simply not get my mind to stop churning-I have the sleeping pills. I am not suicidal-nor have I ever been-but I have had friends that were. I know the signs, and am honest enough with myself to recognize my state of mind.
wow-this got way more dark and personal than I intended- so I think I'll end here for tonight. If you're still reading-then "Thanks!"-and I promise that next time will not be quite so dreary. I may even post a couple of pics of 'the boys'(and our recently departed third cat, Gabe.)
Sorry again for all the doom and gloom and death...I am a relatively upbeat person...I swear!