As of late, I haven’t liked myself much. I have realized that I have several problems that have been brewing for quite a while(nearly a decade now), and that I have no real idea how to realistically go about changing. I know I need to change by behavior-but by now it’s not only habit it’s normal… And what’s worse, is that over time- I have become self-aware enough to realize that I have little to no will power when it comes to personal goals. I set them-sure, but then what? Sometimes I promise myself something-an activity I need to do before work, for instance, but when the alarm goes off, I lie in bed until it goes off a few more times, then reset it and snuggle down until the last possible second to get dressed for work and leave(usually 30 min before I have to clock in.) The last blog I wrote is another example…I promised to return after work and make a real entry-and yet here I am 9 days later finally posting something…
I have become someone I don’t recognize. Someone who cannot continue to live like this-but is nearly useless in knowing how to change things. They say that you won’t really change until you hit rock bottom and admit you have a problem. Well right now feels pretty low-but since I still have to figure out how to enact lasting change-I guess I’m not there…yet. I guess I should be happy that I still have a job-and that I still get out of bed to go to it every day that I’m supposed to. I do my job, and do it well (according to my last performance review [last month]) and help out whenever I can.
But after work, I go home and do as close to nothing as I can, I still work on my crafting activities-but that’s because even I realize that without them-I would do nothing at all. I read and watch tv/movies and escape into other worlds-worlds that are slowly making more sense than my own life.
It’s scaring me how much these worlds are blending together in my own mind, how much something on a sci-fi tv show seems to explain parts of my life-and then I have an internal argument with myself and say that it can’t be true-because that’s fiction on the screen-but then my logical mind comes up with Occam’s Razor-and the simplest explanation is the right one-no matter how improbable it is….and then my intuition is caused by a great adventure with an alien and if I remember it fully-I will die. And then I tell myself that it can’t be true-because it’s only a tv show.
And then the completely paranoid part of me goes---“That’s what they want you to believe.” And I’m back to being scared-scared of my own thoughts.Think about that for a minute. How helpless and terrifying it is to be scared of the things you are thinking-the most basic thing that makes you-well you.
And if that isn’t rock bottom-then what is? Being scared of your own mind-and what it produces. My past experiences with mood altering drugs are a Pandora’s box all its own-the mine field of bad side effects is a cautionary tale-and sadly a winning point for Scientology. (Which even in my scary fiction blurred mind is a load of crap-IMHO)
[so maybe I’m not that bad-right? Tom Cruise is still waaaayy more crazy than I am]
What doesn’t help-is the memories I have of my father doing the same thing when I was growing up-not the blurring of fiction thoughts(since I can’t read minds)-but the get up-go to work, come home read and watch tv-go to bed and repeat. I don’t know if this is normal-or a byproduct of our horrible year-round allergies-the complete exhaustion that comes from the fight to simply breathe and stay alive.
I have no idea how to end this post without scaring anyone-other than to say this-none of my scary thoughts involve hurting myself or others.
And there is a glimmer of hope-today I got up 3 hours before work-so I could write this post- keeping a promise to myself that today I would do something productive before work. So today is a good day(so far-optimism can only get you so far-realism is far bleaker-but at least it is rooted in reality-not fiction).
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