Am I the April Fool?

So-the fiction/reality thing is better-ish. I see what life is, and what I dream it could be. The Tv shows I watch, show me what could be possible-a close knit group of people who work together- a love that surpasses your wildest dreams-saving the world, repeatedly.  My job seems so unimportant-"makin' copies" and the 'friends' I have in my life now-aren't what they seem. As I've said before-my marriage is complicated-and mostly theoretical, and I'm alone most of the time. At work I wear a mask-the happy mask of someone who is enjoying life-and at home-the mask comes off-especially since no one is there to see it anyway-the person most aware of a mask-is the one wearing it.  I have moments of joy-that fade so quickly that the darkness that takes their place is so black and deep that the light is unimaginable-cannot possibly exist. Hope is a concept-and it doesn't live here. I find myself thinking the worst will happen-and sarcastically mentioning the ideal-as something that isn't even possible. This doesn't make me feel any better-but simply greases the spiral slide down. I guess I'll have to see what tomorrow brings-and whether or not my cynicism is well founded. Gee that was cheery-wasn't it.